The Tug of War

I'm sitting on a bus at 7am. I should've been on it at 6:30 but that's part of the joy of being a working mummy. You can have all these plans of being somewhere impeccably dressed and a half hour early but instead pitch up breathless with a whiff of milk lingering around you & a piece of Lego in the pouch your lipstick should have been. This morning I was up at 5:15 and thought surely today is the day I will leave before the babies are up. As I got on with brushing my teeth I wondered how Kola would handle MH's hair & wondered if I should do it whilst she slept...hmm. Then I remembered I still needed to sort out Judah's stuff for the day so I decided he'd be fine. Feeling excited that I was going to enjoy getting dressed in front of the TV, I bounced out of the shower & was greeted by 2 giggling little people snuggled up to their dad in bed. No. It's 5:45! I was so unamused. Judah started whimpering for me as MH yelled out "say good morning to me mummy!". I immediately knew 6:30 was out of the window. Breakfast in London was out of the window. Cereal bar and a bottle of orange juice were probably as good as it would get. I carried Judah about as I got on with stuff and began to feel increasingly emotional. I didn't want to leave him. I didn't want to leave with the sound of his scream ringing in my ears. I wanted to cuddle him a bit more. Take him to the park and play on the swings. I want to sing to him and watch him finally crawl for the first time.   Everyday I ask myself why I have to work, why i have to be up at the crack of dawn after very little sleep. Why I have to spend my 40 minute journey from home to nursery to work getting the baby lingo out of my head and practising sounding like an educated human being. yes yes yes.... it's for the very same people I want to stay at home with. For that house with a garden that we so want them to have & grow in and blah blah. For that school they can go to and that future they could have. Siiiiiigh. Ok fine, so i do enjoy the dressing up. And the lunch hour i can spend by myself, with that delicious sound of....nothing! Oh my - I can catch up on my magazine subscription from the last year - all still in their plastic wrap - #truestory.   Some mummy friends who had the option to choose to press pause on career and  did so have loved it. Others in that same camp are full on encouraging me to get back to work, citing various reasons for why they'd have gone back if they knew what they know now. Some working mum friends feel like I do, and wish they could be with their babies. I certainly look on with envy at mums pushing strollers in town. It's like they are there to torment me. I want to throw an egg at them.  Other working mums couldn't be happier. Full time mummyhood is no mean feat! Work is easier in many respects - top of the list being nobody is following you everywhere and making you pee with the door open. (if they are, speak to your HR manager- that right there is harassment). So as I now arrive at my destination I know I must pull it together. Off come the trainers, on go the heels. A quick look in the mirror to ensure I don't have panda eyes. Another quick look for that lipstick I know I put there.....nope, its gone. Oh well, I'll hold onto this piece of Lego...... and remember I'm doing this because I love them. just like  all mummy's who've made the decision to do whatever it is they're doing.

Are you a mum / dad? Do you face this struggle too? How have you learnt to deal with your "tug of war"?

**images are by tauyaz vision photography