WHAT I WORE, WHAT MUMMY WORE

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have you ever had one of those days when you are feeling uber cool? like, you stand in front of the mirror and think "ok, stop the search! the bees knees are right here! that's right! I AM THE BEES KNEES!". then as you're walking out of your house you take another look to confirm you weren't hallucinating & sure enough - you are looking even more fly than you thought. it's a good day.

mummy was having one of those "sitting on top of the world" days. as she literally bounced along listening to "Chop my money" on her iphone, she absorbed the glances of appreciation that were coming from strangers as she walked by. she imagined this must be how celebs feel. She was positively beaming as she walked towards the office. she was met by her friend who immediately asked why she had a pair of sunglasses on and a pair of sunglasses on her head. "why are you disgracing the race?" she asked. mummy distinctly remembered why. she had put those sunglasses on her head whilst getting ready in the house. then she left me at nursery and was rummaging in her bag for them when she found the other ones and just wore them without even thinking. so yes, those weren't glances of appreciation after all. **awkward** later that day, mummy was having a conversation with a different colleague (she is quite new on this department). they were trying to resolve an issue that had been going on for a while. as they went back and forth, they had a eureka moment and mummy excitedly raised her hand up for a high five. the colleague looked at her hand like "err, whats going on here?" and by the time she realised & raised her own hand, mummy had put hers down. then mummy noticed and put her hand up, but her colleagues hand was now down. mummy was feeling really hot and felt the need to make a sharp exit from the situation. but she had to stay and continue to clarify the eureka idea. she went straight to lunch from there.

she decided to stay in the staff canteen as the last thing she wanted was to bump into someone from years ago in Boots, whose name she didn't remember (yet they remember hers..). then after 5 minutes of standing in a queue clutching at any morsel of conversation she could find, they finally bid eachother farewell - avoiding the obligatory exchange of phone numbers - only to move in the same direction with no-one else in sight. no, she didn't want that to happen again. because today seemed like the kind of day that that would happen.

oh mummy, no wonder you've been quiet lately...

xoxo

I'm sitting on a bus at 7am. I should've been on it at 6:30 but that's part of the joy of being a working mummy. You can have all these plans of being somewhere impeccably dressed and a half hour early but instead pitch up breathless with a whiff of milk lingering around you & a piece of Lego in the pouch your lipstick should have been. This morning I was up at 5:15 and thought surely today is the day I will leave before the babies are up. As I got on with brushing my teeth I wondered how Kola would handle MH's hair & wondered if I should do it whilst she slept...hmm. Then I remembered I still needed to sort out Judah's stuff for the day so I decided he'd be fine. Feeling excited that I was going to enjoy getting dressed in front of the TV, I bounced out of the shower & was greeted by 2 giggling little people snuggled up to their dad in bed. No. It's 5:45! I was so unamused. Judah started whimpering for me as MH yelled out "say good morning to me mummy!". I immediately knew 6:30 was out of the window. Breakfast in London was out of the window. Cereal bar and a bottle of orange juice were probably as good as it would get. I carried Judah about as I got on with stuff and began to feel increasingly emotional. I didn't want to leave him. I didn't want to leave with the sound of his scream ringing in my ears. I wanted to cuddle him a bit more. Take him to the park and play on the swings. I want to sing to him and watch him finally crawl for the first time.

Everyday I ask myself why I have to work, why i have to be up at the crack of dawn after very little sleep. Why I have to spend my 40 minute journey from home to nursery to work getting the baby lingo out of my head and practising sounding like an educated human being. yes yes yes.... it's for the very same people I want to stay at home with. For that house with a garden that we so want them to have & grow in and blah blah. For that school they can go to and that future they could have. Siiiiiigh. Ok fine, so i do enjoy the dressing up. And the lunch hour i can spend by myself, with that delicious sound of....nothing! Oh my - I can catch up on my magazine subscription from the last year - all still in their plastic wrap - #truestory.

Some mummy friends who had the option to choose to press pause on career and did so have loved it. Others in that same camp are full on encouraging me to get back to work, citing various reasons for why they'd have gone back if they knew what they know now. Some working mum friends feel like I do, and wish they could be with their babies. I certainly look on with envy at mums pushing strollers in town. It's like they are there to torment me. ~~I want to throw an egg at them.~~ Other working mums couldn't be happier. Full time mummyhood is no mean feat! Work is easier in many respects - top of the list being nobody is following you everywhere and making you pee with the door open. (if they are, speak to your HR manager- that right there is harassment). So as I now arrive at my destination I know I must pull it together. Off come the trainers, on go the heels. A quick look in the mirror to ensure I don't have panda eyes. Another quick look for that lipstick I know I put there.....nope, its gone. Oh well, I'll hold onto this piece of Lego...... and remember I'm doing this because I love them. just like all mummy's who've made the decision to do whatever it is they're doing.

Are you a mum / dad? Do you face this struggle too? How have you learnt to deal with your "tug of war"?

**images are by tauyaz vision photography

this is my best friend Jadon. he was born 5 months after me(he arrived 1 month early as he couldn't wait to meet me!). he was so tiny i gave him a little pinch to check he wasn't a doll!

we do everything together - and he's the one person guaranteed to put a huge smile on my face when i'm not in a good mood.

In our early walking days, Jadon made it his business to chase me around and kiss me. i wasn't so keen on his advances and made my position clear. mummy pointed out to me that Jadon was the sort of boy i'd be fancying at 14 & passing notes around for. i gave her that "speak for yourself mum" look. after all she was the queen of teen crushes. she once did fancy a boy the spitting image of jadon and took up a keen interest in my uncle's midweek football just to be around him. let's just say her then buck teeth were not his cup of tea. then there was the boy she fancied for the longest time in zim. he finally asked her to meet him after school and she was on cloud nine! she arrived for their rendezvous smelling as fresh you imagine those roses in the Estée Lauder advert smell. he shifted nervously from foot to foot trying to get the words out of his mouth & she waited patiently whilst rehearsing a calm "yes, i will be your girlfriend" in her head. he finally looked up as her heart sped & said "tanaka, I really need you..."

"WHAT?!", mum thought, "who knew HE NEEDED ME? yes! a thousand times yes!". she was grinning like a cheshire cat as he landed "i need you to help me ask belinda out." say what?!! she kept that smile frozen on her face like a freshly botoxed essex girl and nodded a little over enthusiastically agreeing to aid her crush in getting the girl every guy was queuing up to date. she cried all the way to her besties house my uncle in tow probably happy that mummy wasn't going to date anyone just yet.

so, knowing the tragic love story blood line i was born into (trust me there's enough to inspire a few Toni Braxton hit singles) i've decided to try and be nicer to Jadon. a hug here, a kiss there. now, the boy is feeling fresh. hmm. i hear he's started at a new nursery. i need to go and walk around so people know what's what. mummy says i could carry a boom box blaring Brandy & Monica's "The Boy is mine!". ooh kaaaay mummy, chill. after all, i have daddy's teeth. it's all good.