a post from mummy's heart

so the last few weeks have been interesting...hence the general silence. i love this blog, and all it embodies. i started this blog just after my baby morayo-hope was born: partly to silence the voice in my head that had a running commentary going and partly for another reason....a pretty big reason.

you see my biological mum died when i was 7.

i remember a lot about her - i can remember all the way back to when i was 2. i remember her smile, i remember her voice, i remember her laugh and i remember her playfulness. i remember doing the bum-jive with her and my younger brother in front of the stereo (something i cant wait to do with M-H & Judah!) - she would knock us over with her hips and we'd go flying in different directions and come back for more. i remember one christmas she made me a basket full of practical gifts like knitting needles & wool, a mini sewing machine and pieces of fabric. oh yes, she was very handy with a sewing machine. she would sit there and sew and sew and my brother and i would be under the table playing cars, pretending we were in a delivery truck. incidentally her sewing machine is what i got when they gave out all her things after she died. sadly, this was taken when our home was burgled and so now i have nothing. i remember going to botswana with her and she bought me a red "georgette" outfit and we ate dumpling stew at the market. then some of the goods we'd gone to buy were stolen. the list of things i remember is endless. but thats all i have, limited memories.  as i grew up i wondered more and more what she was like. what was her sense of humor like? what did she think about me? i wish i could just know, i wish she'd written it down somewhere, i wish she'd left a secret stash of letters. but who plans on dying in their mid thirties - my age?

our family weeks before my mum passed away. i'm in my red outfit.

when i had morayo-hope it hit me like a tonne of bricks. i would never know what she thought when she had me. how it felt to hold me for the first time. what was the labour like mum? were you happy when you saw me? how much shopping did you do? where did you buy that pram i see in the pictures? you see, these are things only a mum can tell you - because it's our hormones that dictate a lot of what our husbands agree to during pregnancy & birth . as i looked at morayo-hope i wanted her to know. i wanted her to know everything i felt about her when she was born. my excitement, my changing her 3 times a day because i wanted her to wear everything i bought her and prove to everyone that i hadn't bought too much actually - she wore it all! i wanted her to know all the people who were around in the formative years of her life, so that when she's older and they say "oh my, haven't you grown?!" she doesn't roll her eyes in a "tell me something i haven't heard 10 times already at this family reunion!". to know just how loved she was & is. i especially wanted her to know me through this blog - to understand the me that i am. to know that i love fashion, i love writing and i love her and think she's beautiful beyond words. to drum it into her head so much that no matter what anyone says, she still knows she's beautiful & valued. to know that there is not a thing on this earth i wouldn't do for her and that  yes, i am a little bit nuts. that i have my insecurities. that i plan on being around beyond her 7th birthday but i know my memory will not be able to articulate all my history as well as jotting things down on a regular basis will.

so, as she looked at me trying outfits on with a sarcastic look in her 3-month old eye this blog began. i could sense her just being like "God, yes. I see why you sent me here. this woman needs help."

p.s - i have a mum whose been my super-mum since i was 10 and she is beyond anything i could ever imagine. she deserves her own blog post & will get one. my sister and i call her our angel because we aren't totally sure she is an actual human being. we'll let you know once studies are completed!

so why did i share all this?? partly to reveal why i started this blog as over the last few weeks i've been battling within myself about what this blog is. it started really as a love letter to my baby and it's slowly taken on a life of it's own. i know for some, there is some style inspiration here and for others it's the joy of having someone else to laugh at that tickles your fancy! if you enjoy the style aspect, then i am happy to let you know there's actually a whole new blogazine by myself & another stylist friend of mine starting called "mamas closet" which will have a lot of style centred stuff for mums & mums to be, featuring yours truly & other stylish so & so's! you  can like the facebook page which will be updated with info on blog start date. i just want this blog to stay focussed on the end goal ;). i also hope i can in some way inspire any of you that are parents to keep a record somewhere of the love you have for your little ones...

as for enjoying a laugh at my expense, stick around...the voice in my head is still talking...

(a lot of tears were shed in the writing of this article but no children or animals were harmed.)